IMPERSONAL INTERVIEW: JB MILLER, author of DUCH, a novel

I haven’t read the book. I haven’t Googled the author. I haven’t tailored the interview questions or limited the word count. This is a raw, unfiltered, impersonal interview. Prepare to meet JB MILLER, author of DUCH:

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DUCH, a novel
By JB Miller

Thousands of people believe that Princess Diana is alive.

When she was a girl, everyone said she acted like a Duchess. So they called her Duch.

Is Duch back?

In a hospital in Paris, a woman in her sixties has lost her memory. All she knows is that her name is Diana.

But she also knows secrets only Princess Diana could know. She wears a locket bearing pictures of William and Harry. And her best friend from boarding school has vouched for her: it’s Duch.

Has the People’s Princess really come back, or are thousands suffering from Diana Derangement Syndrome? 

But there’s no doubt about this: In Paris, a tall, silver-haired lady with blue eyes, a shy, bemused smile, and a posh English accent, is beguiling crowds, raising consciousness, and giving King Charles a right royal headache.

Bio:

JB Miller is the author of My Life in Action Painting and The Satanic Nurses, and the play Bobby Supreme. He’s written for The New York Times, Time-Out London, and The Oldie, and is the recipient of New York State, MacDowell and Yaddo Fellowships. He lives in London.

See more at JB Miller’s website here

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Q: What is the title of your book?
A: Duch

Q: Why did you choose this title?
A: It was Princess Diana’s nickname as a girl.

Q: What’s the book about?
A: People are convinced that Princess Diana has been found alive in Paris.

Q: Why did you write *this* book?
A: Great story.

Q: And why *now*?
A: The idea seized me by the throat and I thought I’d better write it now.

Q: Who is your favourite character (real or imagined!) in the book and why?
A: King Charles. He’s a great character, full of anxieties and contradictions. 

Q: Describe the ideal reader of your book.
A: People who like a fun, fast read.

Q: What are your politics/values?
A: Progressive. “Do unto others…”

Q: Why might someone with oppositional politics/values enjoy your book? If they wouldn’t, do you regret that?
A: It’s got something to upset everyone.

Q: Why do you write, generally?
A: Can’t do anything else.

Q: Where/how do you write?
A: At Gail’s, a chain of cafes in London. Also, various cafes in Paris, where much of Duch was set.

Q: As a writer, what is the biggest challenge you face?
A: The industry.

Q: Are you working on any new projects?
A: A memoir about my ordeal with cancer. It’s called “If I’m 64.”

Q: What/who you do read?
A: Donald Barthelme, Edna O’Brien, Haruki Murakami, and lots of books on film.

Q: Why do you read?
A: To improve my dreams.

Q: Where/when you do read?
A: At home, often in bed.

Q: What book disappointed you most? Why?
A: I thought Money by Martin Amis was pretty hard going.

Q: How do you relax?
A: Watch old movies.

Q: Are we alone in the universe?
A: Probably not. 

Q: Do you listen to music?
A: You betcha.

Q: What differentiates us from the animals?
A: We’re less reliable and more self-destructive.

Q: Do you have a mantra? If willing, please share.
A: Always stop at a zebra crossing. Is that a mantra?

Q: What is your preferred breakfast – something you could have every day?
A: Cold cereal with nuts and raisins. But not every day.

Q: What’s the highest altitude you’ve been to on land? (i.e. not in a plane)
A: 10,000 feet in the Swiss Alps. Why, is this a contest?

Q: What’s the largest animal you’ve seen running free?
A: I once saw a titanosaur in a Steven Spielberg film.

Q: Which film/movie[s] from the past five years do you think will be future classics?
A: Maybe Nomadland and Parasite.

Q: Do you have any pets? Why/why not?
A: No. Difficult enough taking care of myself.

Q: Where is somewhere you’ve been to that you will never return to? Why?
A: Everywhere. Because I may not have long to live.

Q: When was the last time you climbed a tree?
A: Can’t remember. 

Q: How often do you swim?
A: Not often.

Q: What happened the last time you went on a first date?
A: Got married.

Q: What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?
A: Marrying my wife.

Q: Would you relive your life as a spectator if you could?
A: God no!

Q: What is “cool”?
A: Miles Davis played the birth of it.

Q: Do you like routine or spontaneity?
A: Routine spontaneity.

Q: What do you need to thrive?
A: Encouragement.

Q: What do you need to survive?
A: Love. And various cancer drugs.

Q: How do you nourish yourself on a psychological level?
A: Practice empathy.

Q: What makes you laugh?
A: My wife. Anyone with a quick wit.

Q: What makes you cry?
A: “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Q: Do you have a favourite place? Where is it?
A: St. James Park. The Isle of Purbeck. Anywhere I can be with my family.

Q: What don’t you eat?
A: Okra.

Q: How did your oldest friendship begin?
A: Through friends.

Q: What is a soul?
A: You tell me.

Q: Have you ever been on a pilgrimage? If yes, where to? (Non-religious fine e.g. Abbey Road pedestrian crossing)
A: Various locations in Rome where Roman Holiday was filmed.

Q: Are you trained in first aid?
A: No.

Q: Have you ever written any songs? If yes, describe your sound.
A: Not a songwriter. 

Q: What’s the biggest thing you’ve personally destroyed?
A: Not destroyed, but I have banged up the car a bit.

Q: What are your weekend plans? Are these typical?
A: Sleep in. Typical.

Q: Have you ever seen a monkey in the wild? If yes, where were you?
A: We’re all monkeys.

Q: Describe your hairstyle.
A: Windswept.

Q: What’s your favourite item of clothing?
A: My backpack.

Q: If you could meet a historical figure for a chat over a beverage, who would it be and why? And what would the beverage be?
A: Robert Rauschenberg, the greatest artist of the late 20^th century, over pineapple juice. 

Q: What is the scariest thing?
A: Cancer.

Q: What’s the most painful meal you’ve had?
A: Steak and kidney pie. 

Q: How many close friends do you have?
A: A handful.

Q: What makes a “close friend” close?
A: Being able to talk about anything.

Q: Where is somewhere you could go every day?
A: A café that serves loose-leave tea and maybe pecan/maple scones.

Q: How often do you buy groceries?
A: Several times a week. I like going to supermarkets.

Q: What’s a skill you would love to have, but don’t imagine you’ll ever have the time (or money!) to get it?
A: Being able to speak foreign languages and play improvisational jazz piano like Brad Mehldau.

Q: What’s the most popular thing that you don’t enjoy?
A: Marvel universe.

Q: What’s the most unpopular thing that you do enjoy?
A: Gefilte fish.

Q: What’s one skill you wish was taught in schools that isn’t?
A: Parallel parking.

Q: What’s the best museum, gallery or historical monument you’ve ever visited? Why?
A: The Victoria & Albert Museum. The best place to get lost.

Q: What was the most important invention of the last 100 years?
A: Parking Assist.

Q: What’s your least characteristic opinion?
A: I’m not fond of small dogs, which surprises me.

Q: How many pairs of shoes do you own and why?
A: Four. I don’t like going outside just wearing socks.

Q: How do you choose which socks to wear?
A: Whichever ones are clean.

Q: What’s your favourite hour of the day? Why?
A: Sunrise. The promise of a full day.

Q: What’s your go-to facial expression in photographs?
A: Too serious.

Q: What’s the most-used app on your phone? Why?
A: Podcasts. Like listening to them.

Q: What’s the last book you read? How was it?
A: Curtis Sittenfeld’s Romantic Comedy, on my daughter’s suggestion. It was okay.

Q: What’s the last movie you watched? How was it?
A: Silk Stockings (1957). It was fun. I watch movies all the time.

Q: What’s the last song/piece of music/album you listened to on purpose? Why did you choose it?
A: Roxy Music’s Country Life. Because I like it.

Q: How long have you lived in your current home? And how long do you expect to stay there?
A: A couple of years. Until I kick off.

Q: Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? And does this depend on what you’re writing?
A: Journal by hand. Novel/script on the keyboard.

Q: If you could rebuild society from the ground up, what would be different? What would be the same? And what title would you give yourself?
A: Progressive ideas and politics would be hugely popular and artists would be better celebrated. I’d be an Innocent Bystander, or maybe Minister for Culture.

Q: If you had the opportunity to time travel, where/when would you go and what would you do? And how do you think this might affect the present when you return[ed] to it?
A: I’d become a scriptwriter at Paramount in the 1930s, living in a bungalow on Sunset Blvd. (maybe in the Garden of Allah). I don’t think it’d make much of a difference on the present, though perhaps there’d be one or two classic films that would be surprising.

Q: Do you have a favourite fruit?
A: Mango.

Q: Do you have a favourite hat? If so, please describe it and share a pic if you can! When was the last time you wore it out?
A: I have black stocking hat. I wore it this morning. It doesn’t merit a photograph.

Q: Are you a lucky person?
A: No.

Q: What is “luck”?
A: Good health and book sales.

Q: George Michael sang, “You’ve got to have faith.” Was he right?
A: He was usually right, but he wasn’t a very good driver.

Q: Cher sang, “Do you believe in life after love?” Do you?
A: Well, yes. Otherwise, life would stop.

Q: Do you sincerely believe in anything broadly considered a “conspiracy theory”? What is it and why do you believe it? How do you feel about everyone else dismissing this opinion?
A: I tend not to believe in conspiracy theories.

Q: Would you live on the moon? Why?
A: No. Too lonely and not enough supermarkets.

Q: What, in your opinion, is unforgivable? Especially if your answer is “nothing”, please explain your reasoning.
A: Cruelty and lack of empathy. There’s no excuse for it.

Q: What’s the worst holiday/vacation/recreational trip you’ve ever made? (Please flag if you’re choosing to write here about something genuinely traumatic.)
A: I welcome any holiday. If it goes bad, it’s good material.

Q: If we only poo the parts of food we do not eat, would someone who only ate human meat never poo anything at all?
A: I haven’t actually given this much thought.

Q: Why do we consider cannibalism such a taboo?
A: Is this a major concern of the questioner?

Q: Are there any “taboo” opinions or activities you personally like a lot? Has this always been the case?
A: It’s subjective what “taboo” opinions are.

Q: If you had to live in a single area for the rest of your life and never leave it, where would you pick and why? (Maybe let’s say a village, a small town, a particular district of a large city, etc.. Then again, if you want to say “Europe”, feel free, it’s your interview!)
A: London. Which is probably the case.

Q: What’s the largest body of water you have gone swimming in?
A: The Atlantic Ocean. That was huge.

Q: Do you have a favourite piece of furniture? What is it and why?
A: Does a video projector count?

Q: How often do you look in the mirror?
A: When I brush my teeth.

Q: What was your most recent epiphany? If you’ve never had one, why do you think that is?
A: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. But apparently someone else already figured this out. In actual fact, both are very difficult.

Q: If you could only wear one outfit for all the rest of time (it can be cleaned), what would it be? And how would you make sure it was suitable for most situations you could find yourself in? (Even accessories would be locked in.)
A: Black trousers, shirt and jacket. With a black backpack.

Q: What’s the best piece of gossip you’ve ever heard? If the parties involved are still living, please retract the names.
A: Lady Mountbatten had an affair with Nehru.

Q: When was the last time you went to a waterpark? And are you planning to go to a waterpark any time soon?
A: I have never been to a water park. I am not planning to visit a water park. I like my parks dry.

Q: Would you like to suggest a new question for future interviewees?
A: “If you suddenly found yourself a different sex, what’s the first thing you would do?”

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Duch is available now on Amazon:

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