A personal and in-depth go at answering a range of questions in “Ten Words or Fewer”: it’s Auz Thompson, author of The Banterbury Tales:
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Q: What is the title of your book?
A: The Banterbury Tales
Q: Why did you choose this title?
A: Cus it’s a play on Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
Q: What’s the book about?
A: A collection of post-modern pub poetry about bad tinder dates.
Q: Why did you write *this* book?
A: Cus I kept clanging while recalling bad dates with friends.
Q: And why *now*?
A: Now? I’ve been peddling these for years!
Q: Who is your favourite character (real or imagined!) in the book and why?
A: The narrator, illustrated as myself, I guess he’s pretty cool.
Q: Describe the ideal reader of your book.
A: Anyone who’s tried online dating
Q: What are your politics/values?
A: Antidisestablishmentarianist, with high values on personal freedom.
Q: Why might someone with oppositional politics/values enjoy your book? If they wouldn’t, do you regret that?
A: Everyone’s been on bad dates, why not laugh at it.
Q: Why do you write, generally?
A: For my mental health.
Q: Where/how do you write?
A: In the woods on my phone usually by myself.
Q: As a writer, what is the biggest challenge you face?
A: Finding publishers, I had to self publish.
Q: Are you working on any new projects?
A: Sooooo many, but writing wise, The Banterbury Tales Volume 2.
Q: What/who you do read?
A: I read more sci-fi than others I guess.
Q: Why do you read?
A: To be inspired and relax.
Q: Where/when you do read?
A: Wherever I can, on holiday by the pool.
Q: What book disappointed you most? Why?
A: Lord of the Flies, I read it at school, it sucked
Q: How do you relax?
A: 😶🌫️😶🌫️😶🌫️
Q: Are we alone in the universe?
A: Can’t be, though at the moment, who knows?
Q: Do you listen to music?
A: That’s a silly question, that’s like “do you eat?”
Q: What differentiates us from the animals?
A: Posture and religion.
Q: Do you have a mantra? If willing, please share.
A: Everything passes; happiness, sadness. So laugh about it.
Q: What is your preferred breakfast – something you could have every day?
A: Full Scottish breakfast
Q: What’s the highest altitude you’ve been to on land? (i.e. not in a plane)
A: Probably Switzerland, I know I’ve been but can’t really remember.
Q: What’s the largest animal you’ve seen running free?
A: Elephant, wait do whales count?
Q: Do you have any pets? Why/why not?
A: No, dog had lymphoma, too sad.
Q: Where is somewhere you’ve been to that you will never return to? Why?
A: Birmingham, they locked my car in a carpark overnight.
Q: When was the last time you climbed a tree?
A: This morning
Q: How often do you swim?
A: Rarely
Q: What happened the last time you went on a first date?
A: Got stood up/blocked/ghosted, thanks for reminding me.
Q: What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?
A: Leaving university
Q: Would you relive your life as a spectator if you could?
A: I disassociate all the time, its kinda the same.
Q: What is “cool”?
A: Being yourself and loving it.
Q: Do you like routine or spontaneity?
A: Both.
Q: What do you need to thrive?
A: Antipsychotics, friends, a lil bud, the ability to be alone.
Q: What do you need to survive?
A: Food, drink, shelter.
Q: How do you nourish yourself on a psychological level?
A: Antipsychotics, therapy and a little bit of green.
Q: Do you have a favourite place? Where is it?
A: Not really one place, Edinburgh is solid, Bermuda too.
Q: What don’t you eat?
A: Gravel.
Q: How did your oldest friendship begin?
A: Games workshop Richmond, early 2000’s, lifelong friendship group.
Q: What is a soul?
A: A misspelled soup.
Q: Have you ever been on a pilgrimage? If yes, where to? (Non-religious fine e.g. Abbey Road pedestrian crossing)
A: Byron Bay to the most eastern Australian lighthouse for sunrise.
Q: Are you trained in first aid?
A: Physical? No. Mental health first aid? Yes
Q: Have you ever written any songs? If yes, describe your sound.
A: Was in a ska/indie band, since then I’m all over genrewise.
Q: What’s the biggest thing you’ve personally destroyed?
A: Big wooden patio furniture.
Q: What are your weekend plans? Are these typical?
A: I’ve got a comedy competition finals Sunday. Not typical.
Q: Have you ever seen a monkey in the wild? If yes, where were you?
A: Yes, Ubud in Bali, Indonesia, monkey forest.
Q: Describe your hairstyle.
A: Taming the shrub.
Q: What’s your favourite item of clothing?
A: Hawaiian shirts.
Q: If you could meet a historical figure for a chat over a beverage, who would it be and why? And what would the beverage be?
A: Would Prince be historical? We’d drink whatever he wanted.
Q: What’s the most painful meal you’ve had?
A: Once had a frosted shreddy slice the roof of my mouth.
Q: How many close friends do you have?
A: Enough.
Q: What makes a “close friend” close?
A: Proximity spiritually, sharing values, helping growth mutually.
Q: Where is somewhere you could go every day?
A: Rothko gallery.
Q: How often do you buy groceries?
A: Once a week.
Q: What’s a skill you would love to have, but don’t imagine you’ll ever have the time (or money!) to get it?
A: Learning languages, I’m jealous of polyglots.
Q: What’s the most popular thing that you don’t enjoy?
A: Hot drinks, I’m hot enough.
Q: What’s the most unpopular thing that you do enjoy?
A: I’ve done larping, but there were over 1000 attendees at the event.
Q: What’s one skill you wish was taught in schools that isn’t?
A: Survival skills.
Q: What’s the best museum, gallery or historical monument you’ve ever visited? Why?
A: Scottish national museum, simply beautifully laid out.
Q: What was the most important invention of the last 100 years?
A: Wireless internet.
Q: How many pairs of shoes do you own and why?
A: Probably 20 pairs of vans, I mix and match.
Q: How do you choose which socks to wear?
A: Closest on the shelf.
Q: What’s your favourite hour of the day? Why?
A: 5-6, golden hour light is top shelf.
Q: What’s your go-to facial expression in photographs?
A: This guy?!
Q: What’s the most-used app on your phone? Why?
A: Notes, as I’m always writing stuff.
Q: What’s the last book you read? How was it?
A: Listened to more audiobooks these days, so The Horus Heresy.
Q: What’s the last movie you watched? How was it?
A: One Battle After Another. Lots of plot holes but good.
Q: What’s the last song/piece of music/album you listened to on purpose? Why did you choose it?
A: SoundCloud mashup of George Michael, Timberland & Michael Jackson.
Q: Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? And does this depend on what you’re writing?
A: Typing. My handwriting looks like drunk headless chicken scratch.
Q: If you had the opportunity to time travel, where/when would you go and what would you do? And how do you think this might affect the present when you return[ed] to it?
A: Joke answer: 2016- to stop Harambe’s murder
Real answer: 2010- pre coalition government
Both change everything!
Q: Do you have a favourite fruit?
A: Apples, oowee, the crunch.
Q: Do you have a favourite hat? If so, please describe it and share a pic if you can!
A: White broad rimmed hat.
Q: When was the last time you wore it out?
A: At a poetry night, went with my white suit.
Q: Are you a lucky person?
A: With dice, very. At life, more than most but not where it counts.
Q: What is “luck”?
A: Defying odds to achieve something.
Q: George Michael sang, “You’ve got to have faith.” Was he right?
A: He spoke of waiting for a better partner, in that case, yes.
Q: Cher sang, “Do you believe in life after love?” Do you?
A: Of course, if you don’t then there’s no point in living.
Q: Do you sincerely believe in anything broadly considered a “conspiracy theory”?
A: I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, so yes. But I’m not delusional/cliche, so no.
Q: Would you live on the moon? Why?
A: Seems cold and all those craters are disconcerting.
Q: What, in your opinion, is unforgivable? Especially if your answer is “nothing”, please explain your reasoning.
A: Sexual violence, not being funny. It’s not on.
Q: If we only poo the parts of food we do not eat, would someone who only ate human meat never poo anything at all?
A: No, I could never be a cannibal (human meat is too salty), but everyone poops
Q: Why do we consider cannibalism such a taboo?
A: Cus it’s redactive to growing society.
Q: Are there any “taboo” opinions or activities you personally like a lot? Has this always been the case?
A: Drug use, as a recovering addict, I liked that a lot
Q: If you had to live in a single area for the rest of your life and never leave it, where would you pick and why? (Maybe let’s say a village, a small town, a particular district of a large city, etc.. Then again, if you want to say “Europe”, feel free, it’s your interview!)
A: Bermuda, it’s weather is great, people lovely, and beaches
Q: What’s the largest body of water you have gone swimming in?
A: Pacific Ocean, off the coast of Australia
Q: How often do you look in the mirror?
A: Not often if I can help it, mirrors and schizophrenia aren’t a good pair
Q: What was your most recent epiphany? If you’ve never had one, why do you think that is?
A: During therapy recently, it’s kinda personal so you’ll forgive me.
Q: When was the last time you went to a waterpark? And are you planning to go to a waterpark any time soon?
A: I worked in Thorpe park, I wouldn’t swim there if I was you.
Q: Would you like to suggest a new question for future interviewees?
A: Who would win in a knife fight? Snap, crackle or pop?
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Auz Thompson is also a comedian and more can be found on Instagram – @auz.comedy
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scott manley hadley aka SOLID BALD live
Here’s a video of me recently performing at the prestigious (it has a Wikipedia page) comedy night, Quantum Leopard. Listen to how much fun the crowd is having. You could have that much fun, too!
Forthcoming gigs include the following – there may/will be others:
15th May 2026, 7.30pm: Sunset Comedy, Harrow
7th June 2026, 1.30pm: Competition at Hastings Comedy Festival
19th June 2026: Saltwater Comedy, Eastbourne
27th June 2026: Twinkles Cabaret, London
14th July 2026: Poole, Dorset
22nd & 23rd August, 6.30pm: BALD PERSONALITY DISORDER at Aces & Eights, part of the Camden Fringe
25th September: Worcester
5th November: Isle of Wight
14th November: Welwyn
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